Bacheloser!

I haven't been able to post recently because I was still reeling from the finale. I held out hope despite all spoilers until the end that Jake would choose Tenley. Was there really anything worse than when Tenley was practically begging him in tears, saying "You don't have to say goodbye"?

Of course his family loved her. Of course his dad was crying Jake-style while talking to her. Its like Jake knew it was too perfect and too easy. We don't want the peace a calm relationships, we want the drama, the rollercoaster.

When his fam asked Vienna what she liked about him, she said "nothing". How adorable. It was then he knew they would be together forever.

He is a liar! He said he had values, goals for marriage, yadda yadda. When it was right in front of him he said there was no "spark". Sparks mean fire, electrocution, DANGER. The fact that he picked her showed what Ali had said before: "If she's what he wants, then I'm not what he wants." Nothing was more telling of his character than who it came down to in the end. You can talk values and virtues til you're blue in the face but it wont mean anything.

Vienna wanted her prince, and I guess she got one, at least for now. Eventually he will get sick of spoiling her on his pilot's salary, begging her to make dinner and shower, and she will realize he regularly wears running shoes with jeans. Romance = dead.
The best thing that's come out of this? Jake is gone and we can move on to someone else!

Bachelor

picture via Ali's dresser- you're a pal, Al!

Best lines of the show:

• "[Gia] has $1000 shoes and still empathizes with the natives. Its endearing." Yes, its really charming isn't it
• "This whole things has been a lot of 1st times for Vienna." 1st time washing her hair, 1st time leaving her Dad (I won't even go into their creepy relationship), 1st time sporting a creep negligee in front of an audience (oh wait, unless she's done another calendar for horn-dog college guys we don't know about)
• Vienna: "I'm falling in love with you". Jake: "I'm glad that you told me that"
• On the way to the Fantasy Suite, Jake: "I absolutely cannot wait to... watch our first sunrise together."

Also, I'm starting to feel sorry for the staff. What was the poor helicopter pilot supposed to do while they were on their Plantation Picnic? And the Pirate ship crew? Why do all the girls say they feel like they're "the only ones on the island" with a camera guy 2 ft away? Buzz kill, big time.

Additionally, I am very grateful ABC sprung for a scuba-cam during the Pirate date. I so loved watching Vienna and Jake swimming from underneath them.

Please kill me the next time they play "On the Wings of Love" via synthesizer. At least get acoustic guitar, violin, harp, anything!

Can I just say the whole "Fantasy Suite" thing is a bad idea. Gross, weird, very redundant by the third time! Jake asked Vienna to read the card, I thought, "Don't you have this memorized yet?" Please tell me it was different rooms....

I thought Jake knew how to dance?! He looked so awkward! I can honestly say the #1 reason I broke up with my first BYU boyfriend was because he danced like a gorilla. If that had been me instead of Gia, it would've been a deal breaker. "Sorry Jake, I'd like to leave immediately, please."

So relieved he picked Tenley... It has to be her, right? Vienna is a child. Not to mention a hick, who's probably inbred. Such deep stupidity must be due to mutations.

Lastly.... So glad Gia is finally gone! In case you missed it, please check out the faces she made Jake at their date. Almost as bad as his manly necklace.

That is all. Can't WAIT to see Michelle at next week's recap episode!!

Junk Food

While the kids are snug and asleep I escape to the comfort of my couch, go to hulu.com, and enjoy a new guilty pleasure... The Bachelor.

Why can't I stop watching this garbage?

The drama between the girls... Oh Ali, lay off the Vienna thing already

The cheesy face-wide grins from Jake, especially when he does it to mask an awkward moment (a.k.a. all his interactions with Michelle)

The outifts the girls choose to wear... oh heck no, Vienna, you do not shop at Wet Seal! And let's just say the Honor Code would have a field day with Gia...

The sappy lines, especially anything with an aviation theme, "cloud nine", "head in the clouds", etc. Not to mention all the creepy, "I'm here for Jake" lines in the beginning. Come on people, falling in love in a week only happens at BYU.

The "oh-no-he-didn't!" moments when Jake chooses the dumbest girls

Seriously, Jake? Tenley is so fake and sweet she gives me cavities, Gia is a big-time skank (you'd never work with a New Yorker, Jake... just watch Jersey Shore and trust me), Ali is the only one who appears semi-normal but she was born with an extra gossip bone (and what normal person wants to go on reality Tv?), and then there's Vienna.... Don't get me started on her. I bet she doesn't even know where Vienna is. She looks like a drag queen, and her hair is so deep-fried it's a fire-hazard. She does the spoiled little girl routine, and apparently he goes for that? Oh man. It makes me wish I was single just so I could go on the show and be a normal person!!

Another thing that bothers me- all the kissing. He kisses everyone! Hello, mono anyone? And how have they all stayed away from the swine flu?

Last week's episode in San Francisco was interesting, to say the least. Trolley ride, Chinatown, Koit Tower? That's not the real SF. Give me the gay bars, smelly piers, bad traffic, and Alcatraz please! Or at least the sea lions, right? Everything looks better on Tv.

I should stop watching, right?